BUTTERFLIES IN THE STOMACH

The
title starts off kinda too shaby and a bit corny but in all escence, it
pretty much means a feeling of uncertainty and maybe coupled by a
sudden gush of wind from down under. One could discern that this is
something that could explicate a particular contoversy that has been
hovering my persona for quite sometime.. then again this could just be
a clever ploy to cover up the truth that lies behind.

To
begin things, meeting her was not by chance or out of sheer luck. Nor
did i really hand picked her in a crowd and tried to woo her my way so
as i could introduce myself. She was a colleage so her aqcuiantance was
inevitable. Everything was normal back then; a simple gesture of hi or
hello would suffice and things were typical. Getting close to her was
neither my intention nor my fancy, i am friendly in nature so... you
can tell the sequence of events.Then after sometimes, some over
eager-zealous persons decided to sitr up things.. thus Boom! everything
started to change...

Yes,
I do admit I was, to a certain extent, attracted to her though not
instantly. it would be an insult to say that she has no charm or
uniquenes of what-so-ever. It would be a jerk of me to deny such truth.
Yes, the attraction was there, it always has, however there were always
these things that tore and kept me apart. And these things were the
things she unconsciously couldn't figure out. I don't want to say that
her flawas get the best of her because in reality no one's perfect. To
tell you the truth, that's what makes her so interesting. its just
though sometimes her childish antics are left to be favored and is not
or were not appropriate for the time.

That's
the problem with friendship, it so fragile. When you start to taint it
with emotions, things become complicated and before you know it, both
of you start to drift apart. Then you begin to think, is this just a
charade? a gueesing game where the price at stake is either anmosity or
a right of companionship? Afterwards when the status quo changes, your
left utterly clueless and you get these signals that confuse you
whether your wrong or right.. Then you beign to ask yourself, is this
really worth it?

It's
not easy to say that I made peace with everything because only a
handful of people would believe the virtousity of a hapless romantic
fool.. Then there will always be the same people who would doubt and
would reiterate that denial isn't just like dust you could shrug off..
But denial to me is such a over-used-over-hyped word that its meaning
and essence is slowly lived out and mixed in the fray.
There
is nothing left to deny. I've already admitted that I once liked her..
that i had emotions run under my skin however like they say, skin deep
is only skin deep. I never said I fell into an etheral abyss. Sure, i
may have stumbled but it wasn't really hard to get back up. I mean
standing up was an ease because that person kept pushing you back. It's
absurd to linger around chancing upon an entry (take note) of
subtleness around a barrier she constantly tries to put up. It isn't
her fault she put up those walls. Maybe it's just a reflex or she had
it mixed up between holding a hand and chaining a soul.. Nonetheless,
she had to do what she had to do.. And as for those feelings, i buried
them sometime ago not in my castle of clouds but in a mist of fierie
where they can be contented and be away from idle thoughts. It's just
much better this way...

For
what it's worth, she is my friend - nothing more, nothing less. And if
she decides im a true one, then i will be there for her.. if not, i'll
be there as well.. Let's hope for the future, everything will turn out
the way they should be...

As for the butterflies, i think they're still there...sleeping...hibernating...

...waiting for the next rose.

A story of old: "au revoir mon ange"

au revior mon ange... dat's all i can say.. for a couple of days now i've been thinking, pondering as to where this thing between us would lead... then i thought to myself, that this has to end..its a new year and i need to be optimistic about things.. i need to grow... i need to learn that you will not be always be there and so would i... Though it will be hard but i have decided to let go.. Let go all this uncertainty, this void, this madness... all signs point that i look the other way and give faith a chance.. But faith has not been kind to me for the past years..With our history and present, faith has nothing on me... and so with this, i m leaving, burying everything not anymore in a castle of clouds but in a mist of fierté.. i hold no grudge or whatsoever coz you cannot blame yourself because you fail to see that i am for you... i may grow a lil bit cold to shield myself from any warmth that i may feel whenever we're together but rest assured that i will be the same person you have met.. the guy who always been a friend though never more than that.. despite the fact that somethings will change, i will miss this.. i will miss how i gaze up to u while you just smile.. i will miss how i am awed whenever i see something sparkle in your eye.. i will miss how we hang around and just be contented with things.... The doors will be locked but the keys will always stay with me.. i still have hope that someday you will knock but then again u may just see a silhouette of me..

Some would react why the sudden change of heart, why have you fallen out so fast.. its easy.. u just don't need to continue to fall.. look down and if there's no one to catch you then you just grab a branch... I see that your doing alright and you really have no place or spare no time for such a dilemma...you didn't even notice that i was there, you just passed me..until i called your name, you wouldn't even bother to look back... it was a sign for me.. a hint that you may never see me as i see you.. that you will never look for me in a crowd as i do whenever i go out... Harsh may i sound but you may be right, who am i to you that i would think such a thing.. well, one thing's for sure, i am no more what i was...

After everything has been said and done, i now remove for the last time this mask... i now reveal a true shade of myself.. a person who's been missing for quite sometime... Hope everything turns out okay and if it doesn't... i know it will eventually... if you may read this(though matagal pa un), we can always talk..you know nmn where i can be found.. love you always...

au revoir my angel.. au revoir...

Created on: January 2, 2007

A story of old: "a castle of clouds"

Imagine this, in your hands you hold the most precious, the most fragile; the most valuable thing that you have ever laid your eyes upon.. But as you start to grip it firmly so as it couldn't get away, just like sand, it just sips right through your fingers... And as you try desperately to save what's left, reality slaps you in the face that there was nothing to begin with... It was just a mere illusion, a deceitful trick played by your emotions just to fool you in believing that you are alive... Then you begin to ask yourself, why is she still there?

When every thing's seems to be so perfect, there's always something that would go wrong.. a minor glitch then every things starts to fall off... is this the price of happiness? that i need to sacrifice something just so i could experience a moment of bliss... What gave you the right to taint my feelings with all the right signals at the wrong time?! Maybe you'll say I'm just a fool, a puppet whose intellect has only a limited capacity to comprehend the things you're trying to do... i am neither of both, coz for one thing, fools and puppets do not fight back... though i don't show it more often, i do shield myself against your confusing wits and your undeniable charm..

No, i don't wanna make you look bad here because in reality, you're not... There is nothing wrong with being dense because you couldn't outgrow a culture you came to know.. i thought by now you have realized that what you are is not half of what i see you can become... i refuse to believe that we became close just by coincidence, coz there is no such thing. then again, if you are inevitably my destiny, i may have to resort into a much deeper stride to avoid such folly..

Again giving up on you is not in my vocabulary.. i know this would be a long and vague journey and every step of the way i might squander to a different realm.. but i have faith that someday you'll finally be awaken and be free from your egotistical reverie.. As for now, i don again my armor of sanity and guard my castle of clouds..

A story of old: "No regrets!"

its been approximately 7 months since we last saw each other.. and when i mean "saw" it means it was the last time that i'll ever have you by my side. i guess the spark was never there even though we clicked at the right time.. For me, it was all worthwhile - just your mere presence was enough for my egocentric facade to shout happily with glee.. And after that moment, there was no more...

I guess it was never meant to be.. coz if it was, then the very sound of your name would lead me into a frenzy. But up until now you haven't changed..well, maybe on the outside you did but in a different perspective, you're still naive.. why do you still live in a world that does not exist; you got so much to offer yet you refuse to give maybe coz you're afraid that everything would disappear.. risk it and i will risk everything too.. but if you leave me hanging, i would stop and climb another window.. Its too hard for someone taking in all the punches while you stand in the sideline pretending as if nobody is hurting...

I have promised myself that i would never again blabber about all the emotional gibberish i've been feeling.. Coz i have realized that those words are just cheap imitation that would never last a lifetime.. why you may ask? its because if i just keep on talking and talking, eventually my mouth will run dry and you wouldn't even hear a syllable of my undertaking..

if you wanna know how I'm doing? Well, every thing's somewhat good.. I'm almost in perfect shape for the 1st time in my life.. i get to do something i've been longing to do.. i have the things that i want( you can never have all) In short, life is still a bitch but I'm slapping back and having fun...
It seems your doing fine as well.. Of course, with a beauty like you. ain't nobody could resist you...
Oh hope you're having fun as well... you seem to have a knack at it...

Sorry if this sound so cynical or sarcastic.. This is just me speaking my heart out... But keep in my mind, that i ain't closing no door... And all bridges are in tact.. i still haven't gave up on you...
Coz there's still hope...

Is there????

A story of old: “it only hurts when the more i pretend that we can never be more than friends”

Funny, it never crossed my mind nor in my wildest

dream that this line of a song would be of any

relevance to me... it seemed so inappropriate for

my personality and how i feel...
Alas, like a dagger, it pierces right through my

thick hide...
After so long, am i turning soft again?
that there maybe something or someone warm enough

to melt a heart etched in ice?
For so long, i have tried to imprison every bit of

anxiety, every parcel of obscurity that was

present a lifetime ago...
i tried to suppress what to me was a threat to my

eloquence and tranquility...
This assured uncertainty has left me clueless

before...
Then what of now??!!?
Through the years, i have gained confidence,

acquired experience and snatched maturity just so

as i could avoid such deceitful encounter.. i kept

myself busy; doing anything and everything so

"this" would never happen again...
And now because of a dream; because of some random

spontaneous subconscious manifestation, everything

i've done, everything I've become and everything

i've sacrificed will come to no existence...

For some time now, i was led to believe that

"Friendship is more important than anything else"
True, i was blinded by this notion but it worked

out for me...
I developed so many unspoken bonds, som many

righteous score and so many loyal friends...
(But at what cost?)

i am a man of risk... But you're something so

precious, so much fragile that you're a dare i

wouldn't risk to take...

Because of your past and my past, there may not

hold a future for us...
What we have now is something special...
Though its a bit shady and superficial, its,

nonetheless, a relationship i wouldn't trade for the

world..

You are and always be my angel...
This thing between will never fade
coz i think its better this way...
much better...
(HAH! "i think" for 4 years now that's what i kept

consistently doing... always made sure that my

head was clear and running...never ever have i let

those emotions or even my heart dictate my thoughts

and actions...)
Maybe that's why it grew cold...
So cold that it became frozen 'til its very

core...

I may sound so overly melodramatic.. but that's

just me...
Coz one thing i've learnd is that its really hard

to love when you got too much to hate...

Why must everything be so simple yet complicated..

so hard to understand yet easy to explain?

This would be the 1st and last of my upheaval...
this outburst will be just be a though 'coz by

the end of the day, everything would jsut sink

into an abyss of perplexity
it would just be another loss to a reality of

complications...

We both live different lives now...
Though we are still close, i now exist in a place

far different from yours...
while you go about your day oblivious to my

pain, i stagger aimlessly to wherever you

maybe...
But like i said this would be the last, this truth

will only end up like any sweet memoirs before,

buried in a castle of clouds and sand...
Keep in mind, we are still friends..
NO, i choose to be one coz i love you too much...
Though sometimes i feel it aint mutual, still just

to see you alright is more than enough (I think..)

Sadly, you can never know; better yet, you will

never know this revelation of mine...
coz by the time you do, (which is by the time the

clock of maturity hits and wakes you up and finally you

are able to grow up) i'll either be with someone else or

buried six feet under...

This has been too long and too exhausting...
it has been one controlled chaotic ride...But much

as much, im glad im on it...
Well, this is the end..
i now will put again a faceless mask...
a mask to hide those inconceivable flaws, a

barrier where i can escape from the reality of you

and juxtapose with those insecurities...
So take care my angel...
i'll see you around...
I love you sO... ( i guess you already know that..)

Created on: 2006/10/17

rewind<<<>>>> play (Edited)

A story from the past.. thought it would be nice to share..enjoy:

This is where we often sit together .. the steps infront
of the pillars We would sit here and
watch people pass by. Talk about stuffs or even
just be contented with each others company. She
was someone i love talking to. Though at first,
when we werent that close, i admired her from
afar. For me, she was the epitome of simplicity &
beauty. But that changed, when i got to know her
better. She was absolutely more than that.

I always found it hard to talk to her then. But then
things started to change; things started to fall into
their place with just a blink of an eye. We joke
around,called each other, talk about serious matters, and
if it was possible go to
places together. We laugh at the simplest things,
talk about anything & everything and we were
happy.

I admire her for always seeming to always say the
right things at the right time. She was very open
minded about things. She was someone I felt
comfortable with just being myself. I never felt this
obligation to always please her. She's smart,
funny, lovely and most of all .. she was who she is.
Its a whole package deal, everything about her
seem to go together. Even her flaws seem to
compliment her. I dont know how, but it does.

Sometimes, she would just sit with me in silence,
and things would be ... so perfect. I guess i love her,
i don't know. For someone who hasn't rili fallen in love yet.. wouldn't
know when he is. Or can he? All i know is that, i
feel this certain happiness.. it's as if i'm floating.
My feet not touching the ground when i'm with her.
I have this funny feeling every time she touches me
or even when she just looks me straight in the
eyes. Im always happy when we're together. My
day wouldnt be complete without her around.
There's this need in me that wants to be with her
always. Or even just to see her from afar. I don't
know, could this be love? All i know is, she was
someone very special to me.

We would sit here together, and
sometimes when she couldn't make it i'll just play
over and over again in my mind the things we do
together. [And I would sit there, dumbfounded by
the fact that Im smiling .. alone.] The way she
laughs, the look on her face when she gets
excited, the way she listens intently to every word
Im saying, that certain look on her eyes when she
sees butterflies, the way her hair falls on her
cheeks, the innocent, angelic look on her eyes every
morning. I could site a million things here. but then
i would be missing her a million times more. Things
started to change during sembreak of our first year. i didnt know what happend;
there were arguments, misunderstandings and all of a sudden, everything was a blur
. last thing i heard she was with someone
i heard he was sweet,thoughtful, kind and great. And i thought to
myself .. more than i am? I wanted to ask her that,
but I didn't want the look on her eyes to fade away.
It was something i've never seen before. god, she
was beautiful.

What was happening to me? Why do i feel as if all
my guts were slowly being pulled out. It's as if the
whole world stopped just to slap this reality into my
face. This reality that i love her.. so much, that it
hurts.

Months passed by, and slowly we grew apart.
i'd always pass by and sit by our "special" spot. I
would be there, waiting for her to come and visit
me. I would often sit here and think about the
things we did together, our memories. The what if's
in my mind .. if only i told her, i showed her what i
truly feel .. if only, then things would be different. i
know, somehow it would be.. then maybe i wouldn't
be feeling this bleeding in me. There could have
been an 'us'.. i don't know .. i guess i'll never know
now .. would i?

I would always come a little early before i played
ball every Saturday. Thinking and preparing what i would
tell her in case she comes. I would tell her how
special she is to me. That it isnt just my day that
wouldnt be complete without her around;.
my whole life wouldnt be..

Kidss!!! hahaha!!!

Again not mine. Came from trixsc 5 years back.. Man, its really hilarious when looking back...

Unknown Author
-Para sa mga Two-Timer nga mga pipz..harhar
Message: masarap mag two time dba guys?..yung
tipong
dala-
dalawa sila... tatlo-tatlo.. minsan sampusampu
pa nga e dba?!

pero minsan naiisip ba ntin kung ano epekto
nito sa mga nasasaktan ntin??

masarap magtwo time...pag natapos ka sa
isa..lilipat ka naman sa isa..tpos sa iba nman
hanggang sa mag-sawa ka, tpos iiwanan mo
lng..kase may nkita kang mas gwapo o mas
maganda sa knya...

minsan pag nag away kau ng number one mo
damay-
damay pati yung 2nd..3rd..and so
forth..kawawa
nmn sila noh?samantalang wala nmn silang
gngwa
sau kung di ang intindihin ka at mahalin lang...

bakit nga kya masarap mag two time???

kse hindi ka marunong makuntento sa kung
anong meron ang gf/bf mo?

kase meron better sa present mo...?

kase selfish ka ayaw mong ilet-go yung
present mo. its for your own sake khit
nasasaktan
mo
na sia?

kase ano? ano?

kase sarili mo lang ang iniisip mo...

e....pano kung gawin sau yun?
sa tingin mo makakaya mo?
sa tingin mo okey lang sau?
ano?.....ano?

dba masakit din?tsaka mo malalaman na
mahal
mo pala tlga cia pag may mahal na syang
iba..pag HINDI NA IKAW ANG MAHAL
NYA...tsk..tsk..tsk..

guys...masarap magmahal at mahalin..sana
lang ..

MARUNONG TAYONG MAKUNTENTO SA
IBINIGAY
SATIN...TAYO-TAYO NA NGA LANG ANG
NAG
NAGKAKAINTINDIHAN...TPOS TAYO-TAYO
PA ANG NAGTATALUHAN!!!!

HEY PEOPLE WAKE UP!!!!!

MAHALIN NYO MGA GF/BF NYO!!!!!!BE
LOYAL!!!

soweee sa mga natamaan ko po.. =(
ginigicing
ko lng kayo sa matagal nyong
pagkakatulog....BAKA
KSI PAGGISING NYO WALA NA UNG
TAONG
NAGMAMAHAL SA
INYO NG TOTOO!...