BUTTERFLIES IN THE STOMACH

The
title starts off kinda too shaby and a bit corny but in all escence, it
pretty much means a feeling of uncertainty and maybe coupled by a
sudden gush of wind from down under. One could discern that this is
something that could explicate a particular contoversy that has been
hovering my persona for quite sometime.. then again this could just be
a clever ploy to cover up the truth that lies behind.

To
begin things, meeting her was not by chance or out of sheer luck. Nor
did i really hand picked her in a crowd and tried to woo her my way so
as i could introduce myself. She was a colleage so her aqcuiantance was
inevitable. Everything was normal back then; a simple gesture of hi or
hello would suffice and things were typical. Getting close to her was
neither my intention nor my fancy, i am friendly in nature so... you
can tell the sequence of events.Then after sometimes, some over
eager-zealous persons decided to sitr up things.. thus Boom! everything
started to change...

Yes,
I do admit I was, to a certain extent, attracted to her though not
instantly. it would be an insult to say that she has no charm or
uniquenes of what-so-ever. It would be a jerk of me to deny such truth.
Yes, the attraction was there, it always has, however there were always
these things that tore and kept me apart. And these things were the
things she unconsciously couldn't figure out. I don't want to say that
her flawas get the best of her because in reality no one's perfect. To
tell you the truth, that's what makes her so interesting. its just
though sometimes her childish antics are left to be favored and is not
or were not appropriate for the time.

That's
the problem with friendship, it so fragile. When you start to taint it
with emotions, things become complicated and before you know it, both
of you start to drift apart. Then you begin to think, is this just a
charade? a gueesing game where the price at stake is either anmosity or
a right of companionship? Afterwards when the status quo changes, your
left utterly clueless and you get these signals that confuse you
whether your wrong or right.. Then you beign to ask yourself, is this
really worth it?

It's
not easy to say that I made peace with everything because only a
handful of people would believe the virtousity of a hapless romantic
fool.. Then there will always be the same people who would doubt and
would reiterate that denial isn't just like dust you could shrug off..
But denial to me is such a over-used-over-hyped word that its meaning
and essence is slowly lived out and mixed in the fray.
There
is nothing left to deny. I've already admitted that I once liked her..
that i had emotions run under my skin however like they say, skin deep
is only skin deep. I never said I fell into an etheral abyss. Sure, i
may have stumbled but it wasn't really hard to get back up. I mean
standing up was an ease because that person kept pushing you back. It's
absurd to linger around chancing upon an entry (take note) of
subtleness around a barrier she constantly tries to put up. It isn't
her fault she put up those walls. Maybe it's just a reflex or she had
it mixed up between holding a hand and chaining a soul.. Nonetheless,
she had to do what she had to do.. And as for those feelings, i buried
them sometime ago not in my castle of clouds but in a mist of fierie
where they can be contented and be away from idle thoughts. It's just
much better this way...

For
what it's worth, she is my friend - nothing more, nothing less. And if
she decides im a true one, then i will be there for her.. if not, i'll
be there as well.. Let's hope for the future, everything will turn out
the way they should be...

As for the butterflies, i think they're still there...sleeping...hibernating...

...waiting for the next rose.